Moms, you deserve Christmas, too!

It doesn’t take research results to confirm what we all know about Christmas:  women do all the work.  Well, not all.  But most.  According to a 2023 study by the American Psychological Association, twice as many women as men do the holiday shopping, cooking, decorating and other “ings".

When I look back over my own past Christmases, I admit it.  I was a nut.  Whatever compelled me to cover every surface of our house — inside and out - with Christmas trees and villages, lighted garland, angels, Santas and at least 1,000 snowmen should really be studied.  Why I felt Christmas wasn’t magical unless our children smeared green or red frosting over ten dozen cut-out sugar cookies and ten feet of the kitchen counter with their ten grubby fingers is a puzzle.  Would our three children have lived through Christmas without pretending they actually knew what they were giving the bus drivers, teachers, coaches, grandparents, godparents, mail man, friends and family members in those shiny, ribboned packages?  Would they be more balanced adults if they wouldn’t have been forced to look happy in their matching sweaters (or neon-colored coordinating ski jackets!) as they endured another of my hours-long photo shoots for the annual Christmas card? Would our kids not have felt the divine grace of Christmas if we hadn't attended Midnight Mass and then, five hours later, all gotten up to see if Santa came? The thing is, I don’t know where this obsession to have a Hallmark Christmas came from.  I have never been a fan of sappy Christmas movies set in Thomas Kinkade villages. I can’t blame my pursuit of holiday bliss on Pinterest or Google images, because technology was still in incubation back then.  So why did I stay up until 2 AM making molded chocolate lollipops for a second-grade class that night in 1988 when my only company was a radio broadcast telling me a bomb blasted a plane out of the sky, killing a planeload of passengers over Lockerbie, Scotland?  Yeah, the things we remember are inexplicable!

And that is my fear — that my kids remember more stress than magic at Christmas. That my husband will someday bury me thinking, “Well, Christmas is going to be a lot easier now.” That the family will gather at Christmas and say, “Gosh, I don’t remember Christmas ever being this relaxing!”  And there is my life lesson—the one bit of advice my older self would say to younger me:  Keep it simple. Don't go it alone. Moms, although each generation makes progress balancing the load, it is still your shoulders that carry the weight of the holidays.  It is you that will define what Christmas means to your children and maybe even your grandchildren.  It won’t be the holiday baking, shopping or hot Pinterest trend that will stay with them long after the holidays.  It won’t be Elf on the Shelf or the flashy gift of the season that they unwrap on Christmas morning that will live on in their memories. It will be you - your example, your decisions, your relationships, your reactions, your patience, your happiness, your leadership, your love of self - that will define their Christmases. Don’t discount that.  Realize that there are only so many hours in a day--and that some of those hours MUST involve sleep! In most households, Moms make Christmas, so take care of yourself. Keep yourself whole — and stop the imposition that previous generations of we women have brought upon ourselves. 

I know, I know. The very story of Christmas doesn't exactly inspire us to place moms first. After all, even though Mary gave Jesus life, divine grace was bestowed on her only through her Son. I think most of us mothers think of our offspring in the same light. We adore them, we put ourselves and our very sense of being behind them. We realize our happiness through theirs. It's what mothers do--especially at Christmas. But that doesn't mean we should discount the importance of teaching our kids to recognize all that role entails. And it doesn't mean we mothers should go it alone. Mary's example teaches us to take one for the team. It doesn't mean we can't have teammates! If we are ever going to lighten the load of women at Christmas, we must embrace that need for change, and then take the first steps. So, instead of being both the coach and the entire roster, do some serious recruiting. Call your team together. Enlist your special someone and children to share decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping — and don’t worry if your gift selections aren't always even close to the ultimate dream. Or that the paper doesn’t quite cover the package, or the lights on the tree favor only one side. Bake that family heirloom treat together, but let your children go to work in the kitchen. You'd be surprised what an 8-year-old can accomplish with a cookie mix and your blessing! So your kitchen looks like a scene from "Mr. Mom!" Don't sweat it--enlist your team to clean up after themselves!

Dads can bake too, so let them manage the banana bread -- and don't apologize if the Hershey Kiss cookies seem a little dry. Buy the rest of the holiday treats, and simplify, post online, or even skip, the Christmas cards.  Cut down on your shopping time with gift cards — or ask your family to reach out to those you typically gift and instead offer to take them to a movie or out for ice cream--anything that you can all enjoy. Don't let everyday routines interfere with the spirit of the season. Peanut butter sandwiches deserve respect, too. Your family won’t die if that's what's for supper all too often during December.  Rachel Ray won't haunt your house if dinners occasionally come compliments of frozen Marie Callender's. Weekday suppers don't have to be memorable when there is so much to celebrate. So streamline December meals and free up your time to cherish those you love. Start by making a Christmas date with your main squeeze first, and then with each of your children, one-on-one. Take them to a church play or concert.  Visit Santa.  Shop from an Angel Tree.  Dress up like Dickens characters and scare the neighbors with Christmas carols. Visit the library or bookstore and read The Christmas Story.  See the holiday lights of your town. Take holiday treats to a shut-in. Volunteer dad to join the kids to ring the bell. Take your kids to a nursing home. Hand out treats (nutritious!) at a daycare. Show your children that compassion for others, even those you don't know personally, matters most.

Don't have the time? Make your date an hour-long if you have to! Or scrap something that takes your time. House cleaning? Extra-curriculars? Church responsibilities? Split those obligations up among your team. Brain storm ways you can all become more efficient. And throughout, don't underserve yourself! Mom's deserve a place in every Christmas story - and not just as the workhorse. Show each of your children that you deserve to ENJOY the spirit of the season, too. Give them ideas of gifts that YOU would like to receive (and THEY can afford!). No, that’s not selfish! It is showing them that thoughtfulness is a two-way street. Instill in your family that nobody should single-handedly make the magic of Christmas.  That the miracle of Christmas is for all of us to create—and enjoy together. I would be lying if I said I believed this adage from Robert Redford: “I have no regrets, because I’ve done everything I could to the best of my ability.”  Sure, I DO think I decorated and baked and shopped and gifted to the best of my ability.  But that’s little comfort to me, because I regret the Christmas stress I caused my children during those frenzied growing-up years. Although there are likely certain components of Christmas they treasure (for some reason, they love the red ceramic boot I [of course] hand crafted), the fact is I don’t really know what Christmas memories they favor.  I hope it isn’t hauling in more than two dozen 50-gallon Rubbermaid tubs of Christmas decorations.  Brother.  What WAS I thinking?